Tag Archives: vampire

The Verity of Vampires, Part 2

Greetings!  Let us continue with the various stories about how vampire came to be.

The third story comes the story of Lucifer.  After Lucifer tricked Eve, God grew angry with Lucifer. A war among the angelic hordes broke out, and though Lucifer was a mighty archangel, he lost.  God struck down Lucifer and his followers, creating a place of desolation for them to spend eternity.

Lucifer vowed revenge, so he took up soil and created his own version of man.  It looked, walked, and talked exactly like Adam, but Lucifer could not bring life to his creation, because only God could create life.

So Lucifer went around God and gave his creation the ability to steal life from Adam, Eve, and the other humans.  Lucifer’s creation drank blood, because blood is the life.

When God saw this abomination, he raised his hand to strike it down, but Gabriel intervened.

“Father,” Gabriel pleaded, “this creature knows not good nor evil.  It only does what it needs to do in order to survive.”

God saw the truth in Gabriel’s words, so instead of striking down Lucifer’s creation, God enhanced the being.  Now, it could create its own family from humans who wished to join it.  The creation also received a name, though that name is lost in time.  And God told the creation that he could come to Heaven after his death.

Lucifer raged at God’s mercy, and tried to kill his own creation.  But God prevented Lucifer from taking his revenge, giving Lucifer’s creation enough power to survive on his own for all eternity.


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Christy’s Musings: What’s in a Name?

Right, I have received several emails asking me about my name.  Many hint around the question; many think that they are hinting though I must tell you that subtly it becoming a lost art; still others ask me outright – “How can your name be ‘Christy’? Isn’t that a bit modern for you?”

Ye, gods!  You almost sound like Juliet during the balcony scene:

What’s <Christy>? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;

But more to the point, asking a vampire about her name under most circumstances equals asking to have either your tongue or head removed.

Luckily for you, this is not most circumstances.

Per the request of our Vampire Kings, I will instruct you about vampires and their names.

When a human becomes a vampire, they have the option to either retain their birth name, or get a new name immediately.  In my experience, about half choose the keep their old name and about half want a new one to symbolize their new life.

After a hundred years or so, every vampire feels the need to remove themselves from their past.  Usually, this need arises from the fact that we are all basically human and we make stupid mistakes during the beginning of our life as a vampire.  I mean, no one wants to be known as Lola, the girl who accidentally ate the local duke and caused a riot against vampires.

Unlike humans, we change our names due to either circumstances, major alterations in our life affairs, or sheer boredom.  Some vampires I know have a schedule which plots out all of their name changes for the next thousand years.  A few keep the same name through every occasion, harping ad naseum about their devotion and fealty as demonstrated in their consistency with names.  Most of us, though, cherish our names and change them only upon some external impetus.

As for my current name,  I assure you that “Christy” was not the name under which I entered this world.   But during World War 2, I wished to make a statement about my beliefs.  So, Christy I became and Christy I will be until I choose otherwise.

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Dear Jennifer: Do Vampires Get Married?

Dear Jennifer,

I was talking to my friends, and we were wondering if vampires ever got married.

Teen Wonders

Dear Teen Wonders,

Simple answer:  Why yes, yes we do.

Complex answer: Because vampires live a much longer life than humans, we have a varying definition of marriage.  Sometimes, we create contracts that define how long a marriage will last, how all assets will be combined in the beginning, how all assets will be divided at the end, and what activities are allowed during the marriage.  The standard terms are 10 years, 25 years, 50 years, 75 years, and 100 years.  Anything over 100 years gets a different type of contract.

When a vampire marries a human, the general assumption is that the vampire will abide by the current human definition of marriage, with the exception of the “til death do you part”, since the vampire will not die.  If the vampire decides to change his or her mate into a vampire, there are even more rules and regulations that must be followed to ensure that the new vampire does not end up a slave.

Generally speaking, vampires do not marry each other for the rest of their lives.  There is a special ceremony for that, but you need to be prepared to stick with one and only one person.  Because we never, ever divorce.

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How To Become A Vampire: Candidate Requirements


My name is Sarah, secretary to the Vampire Kings and chief editor of the real world Vampire Handbook.  While the other members of our publishing team work to keep people informed on currently popular topics, I will translate and transcribe the original vampire handbook.

This first section describes how one goes from being merely human to a vampire.  The process entails several stages; the first one is becoming a candidate.  In the past, you needed to find a sponsor before continuing further.  But due to the recent changes in vampiric social status, you may contact me if  you think that you qualify.



Note:  If you are an approved candidate, use the key to decode the final requirement. (ebg13)

Requirements for Human Candidates:

  1. You must be free from normal societal responsibilities.  If you have a husband, wife, child or children, father, mother, or sibling who depend upon you for food and shelter, then you need to make arrangement for their care while you transition from a human to a vampire.
  2. You must be free from government obligations.  We will not accept your petition if you are attempting  to become a vampire in order to forego paying taxes or to shirk your civic duty.  We expect all candidates to pay a tithe to their master and to fulfill all oaths and pledges.
  3. You need a necessary skill or ability to offer to your sponsor.  The skill may be either cerebral or corporal; it matters not so long as you not only possess a skill but are willing to share it.
  4. Rirelguvat vf eryngvir.  Juvyr zrrgvat gur nobir erdhverzragf qbrf abg qrpernfr lbhe punapr ng orpbzvat n inzcver, arvgure qbrf vg ernyyl vapernfr lbhe punapr.  Gur bar gehr erdhverzrag vf gung lbh ner jvyy gb npxabjyrqtr naq borl lbhe znfgre, sebz svefg qrngu hagvy rvgure lbh rnea gur evtug gb orpbzr n znfgre lbhefrys be gehr qrngu.

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The Verity of Vampires, Part 1

Greetings!  I hope that you accepted our apologies for the absence; I truly did know better, especially since we only had heavy whipping cream and not freshly obtained sheep’s milk.  But as they say, it’s water under the bridge.

I have received several emails asking me the origin of vampires.  I will be quite frank, even we do not know with a great level of certainty how we came to be.  In truth, this is one of the few questions that garner a great deal of speculation (and possibly less that peaceful discussions) and few concrete answers.

I asked the Vampire Kings if I could present  you, the readers of the Handbook, with the current belief systems.  They readily agreed, so for the next few weeks I will tell you the legends among us as to where we came from.

The first two stories come from Christian mythology and the Old Testament.

The first story begins in Genesis.  After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they had several children, the first two being Cain and Abel.   Cain grew jealous of his younger brother, and murdered him.  As punishment, God made Cain immortal, never to grow old, never to die, never to go to Heaven, never to see his brother to ask for forgiveness.

Cain lived as such for centuries, before asking God for mercy.  God granted Cain mercy, but with a price.  God told Cain that he could never again see the sun, never again break bread with his neighbors, never again be a part of human society.  Cain agreed to the terms, and God removed the vestiges of his humanity, creating the first vampire.

But God took pity on Cain, and granted him the ability to create others like him, so that he would not be lonely during his everlasting unlife.

The second story again involves Cain and Abel, only after Cain murdered Abel, Abel’s spirit spoke to God, asking for more life.

“I cannot give you more life,” God replied, sighing heavily, “but I can give you the ability to extend your own life.”

God raised up Abel’s body, and allowed him to take life from others through drinking their blood.  God also gave Abel the ability to cloud the people’s thoughts, so that no one recognized him or remembered him.

Abel lived as an outsider in society for many centuries, before he beseeched God once again for mercy.

“Please, Lord, I am lonely.  For everyone I meet, everyone I love, they die.  And the more I love, the more it hurts when they die.”

God once more took pity on Abel, and so granted him the ability to change others to be like himself.

Next week, I will present you with one more Christian origin story, before continuing on to other religious myths.

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Introduction by Christy (transcribed by Jennifer)

Hello, My Name is Christy, and I’m a vampire.

No, I’m not joking.  You are at The Vampire’s Handbook, right?  

Anyway…  I lost the toss, so I get to write the introduction to this book or website or whatever this is.  I’m not from this century, so forgive me if I get the terms wrong occasionally.

Why a handbook?  Well, since vampires came out to the world, it seemed silly to pretend we don’t exist.  Plus, newbie vampires have way too many questions.  

  • “How often do I have to eat?”   (From daily to once a month, depending on your age and strength.)
  • “Can I eat animal blood instead of human blood?”  (Eww – what would you drink from?  Rats?)
  • “Can I still… you know… since I’m technically dead?” (Yes, but I’m not going into any more details.  You need to figure some things out on your own.)

Seriously, I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with the pestering.

Luckily, Gregory always love to answer questions, especially from the ladies.  Starting next week, he will answer any question that you send in.  Just write, um, email him.  No, I don’t know how to email him.  But I’m positive he’ll let you know himself.

Now, where was I?  Oh, yes, the Introduction.

Vampires are a bunch of poor lost souls, infected with a nasty disease that makes us have some peculiarities about us.  

Right.  Even I can’t sell that load of crap with a straight face.

Listen, there are a ton of stories within the vampire community as to how or why we exist.  The honest truth is that we ourselves do not know where we started, only that we are here.  I can tell you my favorite creation story involves Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and a lot of blood.

But I am forgetting myself again.  You want to read an introduction, right?

The Vampire’s Handbook is an invitation and a guide, all wrapped together with a pretty bow.  We want people to feel comfortable around vampires, though we will be here regardless of your comfort.  We want to answer your questions, arrange meetings and interviews, and all in all help humans and vampires get along better.

At least, that’s the party line.

Now, I need to get something to drink.  Type this out for me, Jennifer, and do whatever magic you need to do to put it on our website.


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