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Dear Jennifer: Do Vampires Get Married?

Dear Jennifer,

I was talking to my friends, and we were wondering if vampires ever got married.

Teen Wonders

Dear Teen Wonders,

Simple answer:  Why yes, yes we do.

Complex answer: Because vampires live a much longer life than humans, we have a varying definition of marriage.  Sometimes, we create contracts that define how long a marriage will last, how all assets will be combined in the beginning, how all assets will be divided at the end, and what activities are allowed during the marriage.  The standard terms are 10 years, 25 years, 50 years, 75 years, and 100 years.  Anything over 100 years gets a different type of contract.

When a vampire marries a human, the general assumption is that the vampire will abide by the current human definition of marriage, with the exception of the “til death do you part”, since the vampire will not die.  If the vampire decides to change his or her mate into a vampire, there are even more rules and regulations that must be followed to ensure that the new vampire does not end up a slave.

Generally speaking, vampires do not marry each other for the rest of their lives.  There is a special ceremony for that, but you need to be prepared to stick with one and only one person.  Because we never, ever divorce.

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Introduction by Christy (transcribed by Jennifer)

Hello, My Name is Christy, and I’m a vampire.

No, I’m not joking.  You are at The Vampire’s Handbook, right?  

Anyway…  I lost the toss, so I get to write the introduction to this book or website or whatever this is.  I’m not from this century, so forgive me if I get the terms wrong occasionally.

Why a handbook?  Well, since vampires came out to the world, it seemed silly to pretend we don’t exist.  Plus, newbie vampires have way too many questions.  

  • “How often do I have to eat?”   (From daily to once a month, depending on your age and strength.)
  • “Can I eat animal blood instead of human blood?”  (Eww – what would you drink from?  Rats?)
  • “Can I still… you know… since I’m technically dead?” (Yes, but I’m not going into any more details.  You need to figure some things out on your own.)

Seriously, I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with the pestering.

Luckily, Gregory always love to answer questions, especially from the ladies.  Starting next week, he will answer any question that you send in.  Just write, um, email him.  No, I don’t know how to email him.  But I’m positive he’ll let you know himself.

Now, where was I?  Oh, yes, the Introduction.

Vampires are a bunch of poor lost souls, infected with a nasty disease that makes us have some peculiarities about us.  

Right.  Even I can’t sell that load of crap with a straight face.

Listen, there are a ton of stories within the vampire community as to how or why we exist.  The honest truth is that we ourselves do not know where we started, only that we are here.  I can tell you my favorite creation story involves Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and a lot of blood.

But I am forgetting myself again.  You want to read an introduction, right?

The Vampire’s Handbook is an invitation and a guide, all wrapped together with a pretty bow.  We want people to feel comfortable around vampires, though we will be here regardless of your comfort.  We want to answer your questions, arrange meetings and interviews, and all in all help humans and vampires get along better.

At least, that’s the party line.

Now, I need to get something to drink.  Type this out for me, Jennifer, and do whatever magic you need to do to put it on our website.

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