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Christy’s Musings – July 5, 2012

Hello, my mortal friends,

I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post.  I heard that it wasn’t, well, introduce-y enough.  The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.

The Vampire Handbook is just want you think.  We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this.  But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore.  That still takes getting used to – I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.

Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying.  Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first?  And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?

Where was I again?  Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.

The human population need not fear vampires.  First off, fear is never a productive emotion.  I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such.  But really – we’ve lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far.  Why get worried not?  Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?

Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans.  Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board.  But we do not need to take blood from you.  In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.

Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?

Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week.  You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.

Until then, have a nice day.

Christy

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Introduction by Christy (transcribed by Jennifer)

Hello, My Name is Christy, and I’m a vampire.

No, I’m not joking.  You are at The Vampire’s Handbook, right?  

Anyway…  I lost the toss, so I get to write the introduction to this book or website or whatever this is.  I’m not from this century, so forgive me if I get the terms wrong occasionally.

Why a handbook?  Well, since vampires came out to the world, it seemed silly to pretend we don’t exist.  Plus, newbie vampires have way too many questions.  

  • “How often do I have to eat?”   (From daily to once a month, depending on your age and strength.)
  • “Can I eat animal blood instead of human blood?”  (Eww – what would you drink from?  Rats?)
  • “Can I still… you know… since I’m technically dead?” (Yes, but I’m not going into any more details.  You need to figure some things out on your own.)

Seriously, I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with the pestering.

Luckily, Gregory always love to answer questions, especially from the ladies.  Starting next week, he will answer any question that you send in.  Just write, um, email him.  No, I don’t know how to email him.  But I’m positive he’ll let you know himself.

Now, where was I?  Oh, yes, the Introduction.

Vampires are a bunch of poor lost souls, infected with a nasty disease that makes us have some peculiarities about us.  

Right.  Even I can’t sell that load of crap with a straight face.

Listen, there are a ton of stories within the vampire community as to how or why we exist.  The honest truth is that we ourselves do not know where we started, only that we are here.  I can tell you my favorite creation story involves Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and a lot of blood.

But I am forgetting myself again.  You want to read an introduction, right?

The Vampire’s Handbook is an invitation and a guide, all wrapped together with a pretty bow.  We want people to feel comfortable around vampires, though we will be here regardless of your comfort.  We want to answer your questions, arrange meetings and interviews, and all in all help humans and vampires get along better.

At least, that’s the party line.

Now, I need to get something to drink.  Type this out for me, Jennifer, and do whatever magic you need to do to put it on our website.

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