Happily, someone sent in a question to me, so here it is.
Since vampires came out to us humans, I realize that my handsome, shy neighbor is a vampire. My question is, how do I get his attention? I’ve trying stealing his mail and then returning it as if it got mixed up in my mail. I let the air out of his bike tires once, then showed up with a pump so I could offer to help him reinflate the tires. I even vandalized my own house so I could ask him if he saw anything and maybe discuss the perils of the neighborhood. But nothing works!
Help me! What can I do?
Wow – you definitely have your own style when it comes to chasing men. By the way, did you know that it is a federal crime to take someone else’s mail, even if you then return it?
You did not say why you are so certain that your neighbor is a vampire, and I am fairly positive that he did not tell you. But I can tell you that a vampire would know that you went into his mailbox and messed with his bike tires. We have an extremely good sense of smell, so if your neighbor is a vampire, he knows what you have been doing.
Normally, I would tell you to take to someone you are interested in. Walk up, introduce yourself, and see if that person would like to get to know you better. After all, vampires were born human, so treat a vampire love interest as you would a human love interest.
But for you, Unrequited, I think this is a lost cause. Move on and get some therapy before you get arrested.
Remember, if you have any questions about dating and vampire, please email at firstname.lastname@example.org.