Dear Jennifer…. How Can I Get His Attention?

Happily, someone sent in a question to me, so here it is.

Dear Jennifer, 

Since vampires came out to us humans, I realize that my handsome, shy neighbor is a vampire.   My question is, how do I get his attention?  I’ve trying stealing his mail and then returning it as if it got mixed up in my mail.  I let the air out of his bike tires once, then showed up with a pump so I could offer to help him reinflate the tires.  I even vandalized my own house so I could ask him if he saw anything and maybe discuss the perils of the neighborhood.  But nothing works!

Help me!  What can I do?

Unrequited Love 

Dear Unrequited,

Wow – you definitely have your own style when it comes to chasing men.  By the way, did you know that it is a federal crime to take someone else’s mail, even if you then return it?

You did not say why you are so certain that your neighbor is a vampire, and I am fairly positive that he did not tell you.  But I can tell you that a vampire would know that you went into his mailbox and messed with his bike tires.  We have an extremely good sense of smell, so if your neighbor is a vampire, he knows what you have been doing.

Normally, I would tell you to take to someone you are interested in.  Walk up, introduce yourself, and see if that person would like to get to know you better.  After all, vampires were born human, so treat a vampire love interest as you would a human love interest.

But for you, Unrequited, I think this is a lost cause.  Move on and get some therapy before you get arrested.


Remember, if you have any questions about dating and vampire, please email at


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Accidents and Apologizes

Dear Readers,


I must apologize for the absence of posts of late.  Two weeks ago, there was an …., well, an accident at our abode.  It involved heavy whipping cream, rope, a plunger, two guinea pigs, strawberry jello, a couple of monkey wrenches, an old vampire, a new werewolf, and an ancient bet.   Needless to say, it did not turn out well for anyone, and we lost power for a few days.  Then it took about a week to find all the jello and we are still missing one of the guinea pigs.

The Vampire Handbook will return next Monday with our new weekly schedule.



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Christy’s Musings – July 5, 2012

Hello, my mortal friends,

I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post.  I heard that it wasn’t, well, introduce-y enough.  The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.

The Vampire Handbook is just want you think.  We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this.  But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore.  That still takes getting used to – I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.

Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying.  Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first?  And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?

Where was I again?  Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.

The human population need not fear vampires.  First off, fear is never a productive emotion.  I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such.  But really – we’ve lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far.  Why get worried not?  Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?

Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans.  Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board.  But we do not need to take blood from you.  In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.

Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?

Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week.  You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.

Until then, have a nice day.


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Greetings From Gregory

Hello, my name is Gregory.

Actually, you may call me “Gregory”, but that is not my name.  Vampires like to change names every few hundred years.  A new name helps us to adjust to the times.  Of course, as fast as things change these days, I almost feel like I need a new name every other month.

Let me clarify this a bit – vampires change their human names every few hundred years.  But we all have a vampiric name, that we use when we are around other vampires.  For the record, it is most impolite to ask a vampire for their vampiric name.  And we vampires are sticklers when it comes to manners.

I know that sounds rather strange, but we have to live with one another, so to speak, for decades to centuries.  Following a strict code of manners helps us avoid certain, shall we call them pitfalls?  Bad feelings generated when one feels as though you are not giving them enough respect.  Manners avoid these situations, and help keep misunderstandings to a minimum.

That brings me to the point of my greeting.  Once a week, I will answer any questions you have about vampires and vampirism.

Want to know about our culture?  Please ask.

Our history?  Well, you can ask, but I am only going to answer what I personally know as fact.

Dating?  I won’t touch that subject with a ten foot pole.  Ask Jennifer about dating.

My contact information is on the right side of the screen.  Feel free to click and ask.

I look forward to hearing from you.

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Introduction by Christy (transcribed by Jennifer)

Hello, My Name is Christy, and I’m a vampire.

No, I’m not joking.  You are at The Vampire’s Handbook, right?  

Anyway…  I lost the toss, so I get to write the introduction to this book or website or whatever this is.  I’m not from this century, so forgive me if I get the terms wrong occasionally.

Why a handbook?  Well, since vampires came out to the world, it seemed silly to pretend we don’t exist.  Plus, newbie vampires have way too many questions.  

  • “How often do I have to eat?”   (From daily to once a month, depending on your age and strength.)
  • “Can I eat animal blood instead of human blood?”  (Eww – what would you drink from?  Rats?)
  • “Can I still… you know… since I’m technically dead?” (Yes, but I’m not going into any more details.  You need to figure some things out on your own.)

Seriously, I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with the pestering.

Luckily, Gregory always love to answer questions, especially from the ladies.  Starting next week, he will answer any question that you send in.  Just write, um, email him.  No, I don’t know how to email him.  But I’m positive he’ll let you know himself.

Now, where was I?  Oh, yes, the Introduction.

Vampires are a bunch of poor lost souls, infected with a nasty disease that makes us have some peculiarities about us.  

Right.  Even I can’t sell that load of crap with a straight face.

Listen, there are a ton of stories within the vampire community as to how or why we exist.  The honest truth is that we ourselves do not know where we started, only that we are here.  I can tell you my favorite creation story involves Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and a lot of blood.

But I am forgetting myself again.  You want to read an introduction, right?

The Vampire’s Handbook is an invitation and a guide, all wrapped together with a pretty bow.  We want people to feel comfortable around vampires, though we will be here regardless of your comfort.  We want to answer your questions, arrange meetings and interviews, and all in all help humans and vampires get along better.

At least, that’s the party line.

Now, I need to get something to drink.  Type this out for me, Jennifer, and do whatever magic you need to do to put it on our website.


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