Hello, my mortal friends,
I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post. I heard that it wasn’t, well, introduce-y enough. The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.
The Vampire Handbook is just want you think. We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this. But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore. That still takes getting used to – I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.
Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying. Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first? And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?
Where was I again? Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.
The human population need not fear vampires. First off, fear is never a productive emotion. I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such. But really – we’ve lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far. Why get worried not? Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?
Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans. Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board. But we do not need to take blood from you. In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.
Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?
Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week. You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.
Until then, have a nice day.